Welcome back to our “Questions For Men” series! We received some great questions for you, our readers and the girls here at GLOW sent them along to our husbands to be answered. In case you missed last week, take a minute to get to know Mike, Scott, and Tyler and then dig right into to the second half of our Q and A with them!
Mike: Mike is a follower of Christ, husband to Alyssa and pastor at FBC Kopperl in Kopperl, Texas. He has a Masters of divinity from Southwestern Seminary and is currently working on his Doctorate of Ministry. Mike enjoys hunting, fishing, snowboarding and riding motorcycles. Ultimately, Mike’s heart is to reach the lost for Christ.
Scott: Scott is husband to Kelsey, Dad to Judah and Annabelle, and follower of Jesus. He is the Sales Director for a software company and Young Adults Coordinator at his church in Denver. He’s the number one fan of the Denver Broncos and a connoisseur of all Apple products. Scott’s desire is to reach the lost by returning what it means to follow Jesus to the essentials of the Gospel.
Tyler: Tyler Clem is husband to our contributor Andi. He is daddy to Liam and the youth minister at Calvary Baptist Church in Williamston, SC. He is a lover of all things outdoor- hunting, fishing, camping, running, etc. He is a huge sports fan (ALL sports), especially of the Kentucky Wildcats! He has a passion to disciple youth and see them grow into godly men and women.
“After we have a fight, my husband never apologizes or admits any wrong despite my apology and asking for forgiveness. I’m tired of being the one to always fix everything and take the blame for everything. What do I do?”
Mike: Communication, communication, communication. You have to let him know, he may not even realize it. Tell him this in a very respectful way on a day when you are not fighting and have not fought in a while. It’s a bummer to talk about fighting when you’re not fighting but your marriage is worth the sacrifice. You should just be prepared for it to not go well but hopefully it does go well. He might say that he just needs some time to cool down after a fight.
Scott: It’s worth bringing up that you feel this way with your husband. As a guy, he may feel apologetic and sorry, but he may not voice it. He may be coming to the resolution you desire in his head, but not communicating it to you. Let him know you would like some communication and give and take in the disagreement. If he pushes back, find a way he feels comfortable communicating. Maybe he would rather write it down, or talk about it at a certain time after he has had a chance to process his feelings.
Tyler: I believe first and foremost, you need to make sure your husband knows that something is bothering you. I’m going to let you in on a little secret that us men don’t like sharing with a whole lot of people but WE AREN’T MIND READERS! God did not gift us with the ability to know what women are thinking or understand how they are feeling. The best advice I have for you here is to make sure he knows what’s going on. In saying that, I would say this… I would confront him when there hasn’t been a fight in recent days. I would make sure you are both wide-awake and it’s not when he’s getting ready to fall asleep. I would also make sure that you are both in good spirits. All of these will hopefully help, there’s no good way around it, but he needs to know.
There’s a lot of controversy over whether or not leggings are appropriate for women to wear as pants. As a Christian man, what is your stance. Is it appropriate or not?
Mike: Leggings as pants are totally fine…at your house…where no one sees them. I’m sure they are comfortable but let me just tell you as a Christian man it is hard enough to keep our minds pure with all of the images we are inundated with on a daily bases from a variety of sources. Please do not add to our struggle by wearing pants that show us exactly what your rear-end looks like naked. “Well guys shouldn’t think like that” you say. Well God made us that way. When we see the figure of a woman naked or practically naked, that’s what we think about. Take it up with God. In the mean time, help a brother out.
Scott: What a woman wears is her personal decision. That said, if a woman chooses to wear particular clothing with the intent of being provocative, that is wrong. I think the controversy you mention speaks to a larger problem, though. We need more men who are stronger and have more conviction and self-control than to do something or think something regrettable because of something like leggings. Otherwise, we start down a slippery slope of blaming women for men who can’t control themselves, and that’s not right either. Are men going to look at a woman in form-fitting clothing? Are they going to lust? Absolutely. We all fall short of the standard Jesus set for us. That said, if we force women to adjust their clothing because “women need to protect men from themselves,” we reduce the significance of the cross. If a man struggling with sexual temptation (which is most of them, myself included) realizes they can’t stop looking on their own, they can start looking to Jesus. This is certainly easier said than done. Now, if a woman realizes men are going to look and her standards are such that she doesn’t want to wear certain clothing, then that is once again her decision and certainly a decision to be respected.
Tyler: “Are leggings ok to wear as pants?” Yes, as long as it is in your own home. I love it when my wife wears leggings! She looks super cute, and I love that fact that she gets to be comfortable. Do I think they should be worn outside of your house? Sure, with a skirt/dress or a pair of shorts over them. Truth of the matter is when you wear leggings outside you are, whether you want to admit it or not, begging guys to look at your bottom. Now you may not think that, you may just want to be comfortable, but I’m a male and leggings do strange things to males. I see my teenage boys eyes light up every time a female student walks around wearing leggings as pants. If it were my teenage daughter they were gawking at I would not be happy! So for the sake of men, wear them, but do so with something covering them or in the walls of your house!
“Why is it important for me to marry a Christian guy and not just a good guy?”
Mike: Do you want to have good children or Christian children? Do you want to have a good marriage or a Christian marriage? Your husband is supposed to be your spiritual leader, how can he do that if he doesn’t even know Jesus? How can you both spiritually lead your children to Christ if one of you doesn’t know him? Do you think you will continue going to church by yourself once you are married, and for how long will you keep that up? 1 Corinthians 6 tells us to not be unequally yoked with an unbeliever and the Old Testament is full of instructions to the Israelites to not intermarry with other nations because they would cause Israel to follow other Gods. I have literally seen hundreds of women who have begged God, through tears, to save their husbands and make him the spiritual leaders of their homes and it is heartbreaking to me but often times the issue is that they married a non-Christian and shouldn’t have.
Scott: A good man and a Christian man may both be giving, both be humble, both be confident, both be successful. Both may be wise, and both may be responsible. Both may work hard and both may love deeply.
However, there is one striking difference between being a good man, and being a man of God.
Being a good man means what makes me good is built on myself. It is built on convictions, morals and values I established. Being a good man means I am completely reliant on the standards I choose. When I fail, I only have myself to turn to, which only makes me blame myself even more. I may try harder to be good, but when I fail again, I will resent myself even more. I may bounce back, but my faith in myself will be shaken.
Being a Christian man means I have given myself up. It means I have realized that no matter how good I try to be, I will never be good enough. Being a Christian man means I am willing to sacrifice myself, no matter how good I may be, and try to be like the best Man that ever lived. And when I fail, I know that my failure has been covered, and it causes me to fall in love with the Man who covered for me even more. I will bounce back, and my faith will be strengthened.
The difference then is where a man puts his faith: in his own goodness, or in the only One who is good enough? When push comes to shove and mistakes are made, you will want a man who has chosen to empty himself, and place his faith in someone unshakable: Jesus.
Tyler: “Why is it important to marry a Christian guy?” This is a great question… Now let me answer your question, with a question. Without Jesus, are there really any “good people?” I know exactly what you meant when you asked that question… I just wanted to dig a little deeper and get to the source of why you are asking this question. The fact that you are asking this question means that you believe or think there is something wrong with marrying “a good guy.”
I believe that the bible discusses this topic. It says in 1 Corinthians 6:14, “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?”
A yoke was a wooden bar that would join two oxen together as they would till up the land. You wouldn’t want your oxen to be unequally yoked because they would get uneven and start going in circles. This would happen if you put a strong ox with a weaker ox, or a taller ox with a shorter ox.
“Unequally yoked” is referring to relationships, often time marriage. You do not want to marry someone who has different moral standards, different beliefs, or worldviews than you. Eventually what happens, is the one who has higher standards goes down to the “weaker” ones standards and settles.
Of course, if we are looking at marriage and the Bible you have to look at Genesis 2:24, “Therefore and man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh”. A relationship so intimate that one literally and figuratively becomes part of the other. Uniting a believer with an unbeliever is essentially uniting opposites, which makes for a very difficult relationship.
Well that about wraps it up ladies! Thanks so much for your great questions and thank you Mike, Scott, and Tyler for answering!