As humans, we dream and those dreams drive us. Some dreams take a long time to come true, while other dreams never come true. For some, the waiting period is pure agony. For others, we have more patience knowing that God will bring it in His perfect timing. Mostly we experience both of these feelings, and they waver on a day-to-day basis depending on our surroundings. But even in the midst of agony we hold onto what is true- that God knows our desires and has the perfect story written for us. This truth is always in the back of our mind so that even on those days of pure agony we are able to have some hope and put our trust in Him. We walk through each day dreaming up our dream, praying over our dream, and reminding ourselves of His goodness and unconditional love. This provides us with a sense of peace.
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
This peace lasts until you get that text, answer that phone call, or see the Facebook status. This peace lasts until you see that your dream came true for somebody else. All of a sudden, trusting God isn’t as easy and being patient becomes nearly impossible.
Rather than dream, you turn green.
Green with jealousy. Full of anger. Full of frustration. Full of impatience. Full of hurt. Full of disappointment.
Currently I am experiencing a mild version of this reality. I am twenty years old and single. Before the chorus of people chimes in saying that I still have time and twenty is young, let me say that I realize all of that. The reason this reality is so hard for me at times is because not only is it my dream to get married, but even more so it is my dream and unrelenting passion to be a mother. Ever since I was tiny I dreamt of having a family and loving on my own children. For the last twenty years of my life I have loved on other kids, but I want to love on my own. I want my own family.
This dream of getting married and having a family is one I am able to have peace about and trust God about. There are days where I am as cheerful as ever trusting in Him but there are just as many, if not more days, when I become frustrated and impatient with His plans.
“Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4
These days tend to be when I get that text, answer that phone call, or see that Facebook status. These days tend to be when someone I love enters into a relationship, gets engaged, gets married, or has a baby. All of a sudden my patience diminishes and I am filled with questions. Questions of when it will finally be my turn.
And then rather than dream, I turn green.
A few nights ago I had one of these nights. While on the elliptical I was holding back tears. Tears full of frustration for myself. I was frustrated at my reaction to this good news my friend received. I was annoyed with God, annoyed with my friend, and annoyed with myself and I felt ugly for having those feelings. It was on that elliptical that I decided to make a conscious decision to not feel these feelings again and when they began to creep into my life, I would command them to leave.
You see as a human I was inclined to feel jealous, but as His daughter, I refuse to be anything but joyful for her. In moments like this I wonder how I will manage to do that. How I will manage to let joy and happiness rule my life when the world tells me I can be jealous. I was left with one answer- prayer.
Prayer that He would overtake me and that I would have a heart like His. A heart that was beating for the purpose of loving His people rather than being consumed with myself. A heart that found joy in the happiness of others and not just in the success of myself. A heart that had every intention to be as much like Jesus as I could be. Each day it has been my prayer that His Spirit would be stronger than my flesh. That my human tendencies would be overpowered by my tendency to love others and love God.
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:26
“Keep watching and praying that you may not enter into temptation; the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” Matthew 26:41
Because He listens and answers prayers, because He wants me to love others, because He wants me to be like Him- His Spirit is stronger than my flesh and for that reason I will celebrate with my friend. I will celebrate with all of my friends. I will celebrate when my heart hurts. I will celebrate through my frustration. I will celebrate so much that there is no room for frustration or jealousy.
When I choose to be filled with celebration I am choosing to be filled with love and when I choose to be filled with love I am choosing to be filled with Him and when I choose to be filled with Him, there is room for nothing more.
About the Author
Hi! My name is Morgan Colander. I am a junior at Lee University in Tennessee studying to be an elementary teacher. I am attempting to survive these college years as I learn to rely more on God and less on myself while being surrounded by new opportunities and decisions. College has presented itself with its difficulties- college budget, college dorms, college food, an endless list of things to do, and plenty of homesickness- but through it all, I have never been more dependent on God and realized how incapable I am to do life without Him. God, family, and friends are all I need to survive in life but some junior mints, a hike up a mountain, laughter, and some sarcasm definitely add some joy to the journey.